In five days, I'm about to be spiritually reborn in the waters of a local community mikvah.
Yet today, I'm incredibly sad and feeling hopeless about tomorrow.
How can this be?
One word: depression.
As you know, I am full of disorders. The only thing that's not disordered is my conduct, heh. Autism Spectrum, Posttraumatic Stress, Major Depressive, Generalized Anxiety NOS (not otherwise specified), and Adjustment are all disorder diagnoses. I possess these damn things like they're Pókemon; got to catch them all or something.
My disorders are also fluid, joining my gender identification. The intensity of the disorders (unlike the shift in gender) come and go. Some come high tide along the beach, others retreat low tide back to the ocean. Persnickety bastards, they are.
One of my non-Rolling Stones intense interests is riding on public transportation. I love it. Just to take your mind off things while being in motion in a vehicle not operated by you and watch the world steampunk its way through the day is incredible. I was introduced to the local public transportation system very early in life, and it opened me up to explore a new world outside of my own.
I am very easy to please.
So to break out of my depressive being, I needed to do some self-care; something I enjoy doing that is not harmful to myself. And oh look, buses and trains! Yay!
However, the ongoing rains in the area would put a damper to my "rapid riding" adventure. And that would end up making the depression intensify.
But, I did try. I went from my current neighborhood to the other side of the county; the area where I spent most of my years. I took two trains and a bus down to the Berea Union Depot to watch some CSX and Norfolk Southern transports roll by; I usually choose my adventures at random once I'm on a vehicle. I saw one train roll on, a NS line.
And then the rains came. It rained so hard I had to seek shelter at the nearby restaurant's outdoor canopy. The rain would continue until the bus came back around.
Not a happy camper.
And on the first train back home, some random person had the audacity to light up and smoke a cigarette inside the car. Like, seriously? The windows don't open on this car, so everybody, including me, had to breathe in whatever Newport he was smoking.
Again, not a happy camper. And now the depression gets to become uncomfortable. I end up making it back to my current neighborhood relatively dry, but just miserable. I sulked into my bed for a nap, and then later woke up feeling somewhat better.
But depression can be a weird bedfellow. Sometimes it will allow you to sleep in bed, other times it drains the energy out of you like an intangible psychic vampire, leaving you lethargic and tearful. It's a moody slave owner, depression is to me.
Other factors, besides a crappy public transportation adventure run, have been making my depression unbearable: eating unleavened products on my current budget in observing Pesach (Passover) made my nerves fray some, procrastinating over doing my last set of taxes before this upcoming Wednesday, and making sure I make my upcoming budget will last me 35 days instead of 28 days (it happens from time to time, last one was from December to January).
And then I remembered today's date: it is my father's birthday. That alone sent me over the top in emotion.
I become so desperate in trying to find something, anything to kill the pain I'm feeling, that I end up forgetting to take care of myself. It becomes a downward spiral if it doesn't stop. Or if I don't interfere with letting the emotion pass through.
Emotions are also persnickety. They are illusive behaviors that come and go as they please. But I have learned, and still have to practice daily, to let ALL the emotions - good, bad, and indifferent - come through me and pass similar to a kidney stone travelling from kidney to toilet. Emotions and kidney stones form, go on their merry way through the urethra of life, and leave your body. Some hurt, some don't. However, the body doesn't remember pain; the brain does.
Now I just have to keep all of this in mind for just a few more days. I can do this.