Tuesday, October 20, 2015

Volunteering, Angry Hornets, and Vera

Dang blast it! I knew I forgot to touch on something positive that's happening lately.

What's that, Vera? Your inability to take no shit and give no fucks?

*eyeroll* Even better than that, Dear Reader.

Oh? Enlighten me.

A couple of weeks ago I started volunteering at synagogue for at least one day a week.

Hey! Look at you getting all stronger and shit.

Heh, thanks.

I am a page, or assistant, with the synagogue's library.  The library has been a place of comfort for me; no exuberant amounts of noise, I'm able to focus on one task at a time, and I work at a pace where I am both relaxed and efficiently effective.

Right now, I only volunteer once a week for 1-2 hours due to scheduling. The goal is to build on that and get more hours and days, so I can create a structured schedule of things to do to stay out of trouble.

And speaking of trouble, heh.

Uh oh. Now what?

I am calling for a meeting with both my psychologist and my psychiatrist to tailor a game plan for treatment and therapy.  After having so many decisions being made with very little input from me or no input at all, I want to be able to make clear decisions on my health care. Even if that means that I need to have a summary of what took place in writing so I can keep it in a journal or folder so I can reference to it as needed, I want that ability.

And, of course, if all else fails, I can go to both my insurance's case manager and social worker to figure out where to seek treatment and therapy for this brat with a temper of an angry hornet.

You don't say....

*phft* heh.  Last night, I had a moment where I discovered what "borderline traits" look like in action.

Borderline traits of what?  Buffoonery?

Close. Replace "borderline" with "emotional dysregulation." I left a message for the psychiatrist to call me back yesterday due to developing stories not found on a local newscast.  Instead, I got the psychologist, who wanted to discuss about my feelings over my DBT work (or my perceived lack there of).

I asked the psychologist, flat out, was she doing DBT with me from the beginning.  I got a side answer: "I have been using DBT skills with you so that the therapy is tailored to your needs."
Straight answer? "No."

And I'm clearly getting annoyed when mental health doctors resort to "I don't remember saying 'that'," whenever I recall a conversation with them individually. I somewhat get it; if you admit to saying something you probably shouldn't have, of course you're going to resort to "selective memory"; dat azz needs to be covered or else you ain't getting a paycheck.

I ended up emailing the psychiatrist yesterday about setting up this 3-way meeting.  Then I found myself researching "autism," "borderline personality traits," and "dialectical behavioral therapy" on search engines.  There are some autistic folks online who say they also have borderline personality disorder (BPD), or at least traits of it, and had their lives improved by DBT. However, there are no studies that I found explaining how autistics benefit from DBT, whether it is done in groups or 1-on-1 sessions.  Two more emails were sent to the psychiatrist; both listing how autism and borderline personality traits or disorder can be misdiagnosed for one another (I saw more articles on that than how autistics with BPD saw benefits from DBT). The last email sent basically said this: "I don't believe I have borderline traits. If there is nobody on staff that knows how to work with autistic adults, then that's fine; I will go elsewhere."

After that, I took a Xanax to calm down.

When the medicine began to work, feelings of guilt and shame came over me. Do I even know what I'm doing?

Even I'm not sure of that, Vera.

That was a rhetorical question. As in NO ANSWERS, PLZ.

Well, you did ask.

And that's when I realized that maybe this autistic does have borderline traits after all.  They're comorbid with each other, just like all the other disorders are comorbid to my autism.

What I do know is that I am suffering from some massive medical professional burnout. Looks like the Xanax will be in full force until the proverbial dust settles.

Maybe I can get some sleep now before I go in for volunteering later today.

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