Over the past several weeks, I've been irritated.
Constantly being reminded of things that I no longer want in my life. Every. Single. Day.
After a period of despair and consolation. I have decided that I had enough. That I am going to take matters into my own hands.
I had enough of the motherfucking ants in my motherfucking bathroom!
Oh, Vera! Really?
What? What did you think I was talking about, Dear Reader?
You're cute, but go on.
Every damn day for about four or five weeks I have been dealing with the return of these itty bitty red carpenter ants. They mostly chill in my bathroom, along the bathtub and the sink. The last set of baits and spray from a hired exterminator (courtesy of the apartment management) didn't do shit on these fuckers.
On Saturday, I toughened up and got me some of that good shit ant spray and baits. Heh, it turns out it was the good shit that management used in my unit until some neighbors pitched a bitch and ruined it for the rest of us.
Yeah, I had to go to war on these sumbitches because I don't necessarily like seeing creepy crawly things while I shower, sans eyeglasses.
And speaking of battles, I went last week back to the psychologist. She and I did exactly what I told her needed to happen, that was we started at the beginning. It continued to yesterday's session, where I had to use my senses entirely for about 15 minutes as a measure to be present in the office space.
What did you do?
I have to sit there and restrain myself from diving head first into a piece of grape taffy. Do you know how that excruciating that is? I had to sit there, hold the damn piece of taffy in my hands, feel the wrapper, smell the taffy, open up the taffy wrapper, place the taffy piece on my lips....and it goes on and on until it goes down my throat.
And what went through your mind?
Why in the holy shit am I doing this exercise and why am I not getting laid by some hot piece of azz?
What? You asked. And besides, the psychologist told me that whatever thoughts came to mind, to just let them pass. So my mind made bubbles surrounding said thoughts and they floated away from the mental scene.
We also talked about three different kinds of mind sets: rational, wise, and emotional. The objective is to utilize wise mind all the time (I want to break shit, but I don't want to clean that shit up and pay for new shit); stuff like that. Most of the time we are in emotional mind, or supposedly. I guess if people were in rational mind most of the time, we all would be cold blooded killers.
How is what you are doing now different than when you first started to see her?
For starters, we're using the damn book this time. I've been exercises to work on (any activity that makes me unlazy causes me to sweat, heh) for my brain. And, I get a piece of candy for being a good brat (and not like the 9 cookies that I'm owed from another trusted source, bwahahahaha).
How about skipping the candy and cookies and go straight for the fruits and vegetables?
Got any cookie dough on celery sticks or orange slices?
Aww that's too bad. Guess I'll stick to what works, and not what's right (another thing taught in dialetical behavioral therapy). I found unexpected peace in that mindset.
Only you would, Vera. Only you would.