Thursday, May 5, 2016

Movies, Television Shows, and Vera

Trigger/Content Warning (TW/CW): this blog post contains mentions of threatening to abuse a child, homophobia, transphobia, and eating disorders.  Reader discretion is advised.

Yesterday was National (or International, depending on who you ask) Star Wars Day, where people greeted one another with the phrase, "May the Fourth be with you," a gesture that originated from the phrase "May the Force be with you."

Do I know who said that quote? Maybe. I believe it was Yoda.

Do I know which episode (Star Wars movie) that quote came from? Um, Episode Four?

HOLD UP, VERA. YOU MEAN TO TELL ME THAT YOU NEVER SEEN ANY OF THE MOTHERFUCKING STAR WARS MOVIES?! ARE YOU EVEN, BRO?

Oh, for fuck's sake, pipe down, Dear Reader. It's not like the end of the world or something. I still support the Force, if that makes you feel any better.

No, it doesn't. You have all this free time on your hands, why don't you binge watch some of the movies today?

Binge watch?

Yeah. Watch the first three episodes today, and then watch the next four episodes tomorrow.

This reads like social bulimia.  Nah. I'm not interested.

WHAT?

I'm not interested in seeing the Star Wars movies, or any other movie for that matter.  Movies take too long and can get pretty boring after a while.

How in the holy fuck is that possible?

A lot of it has to do with my upbringing.

Oh boy; let me guess. Your family didn't watch television, did they?

Oh no, quite the contrary; my parents and my sister were practically glued to the television, watching dramas, situational comedies (also known as sitcoms), musicals, horror flicks, and so on.  I never developed the patience to sit in a movie theater when I was young; the patience came later in life when I started going to the movie theater with my friends.  Unlike movies, television shows have intrigued me somewhat.  There are a few television programs that I do enjoy watching.

Such as?

I like wrestling.

Wrestling?

Oh yeah. What the WWE has been putting together as of late is really starting to take off.  It's like the Attitude Era all over again.

I don't know what that means, but okay.

See? Now you know what it is like to be out of the loop for something.

*sigh* Anyways....

....anyways, I do like wrestling.  In fact, I like to watch all different kinds of sports; American football, non-American football, basketball, baseball, golf, hockey, cricket, and so on.  Life happening to real people in real time.

Yeah, but wrestling is scripted, Vera.

I know, and it's a shame.  If Shane and Stephanie McMahon can eradicate these unnecessary story writers, and allow the wrestlers go at it using their own talent and merit, that would be great.

Okay, you like sports. What else?

I like game shows.

Ugh, you have got to be kidding me.

And what, pray tell, is wrong with game shows?

Watching other people win makes me sad.

That's a problem you need to take up with your doctor, Dear Reader.

Wrestling and game shows; is that it?

No. Let's see; there are some cartoon short-feature films, cooking shows, anime, news broadcasts....oh and [H]ouse, M.D.

NO SHIT? VERA LIKES HOUSE?!

With Hugh Laurie being set aside for a moment, let me explain. Because I am such a ride-till-I-die Rolling Stones fan, whenever I see a connection to the Stones, I gravitate towards it.  Bring back in Hugh Laurie, and you have a show that's melting brains as well as hearts.

So, have you seen Vinyl?  It's produced by Mick Jagger.

Believe it or not, I have not. I don't have HBO and I don't own a television.

Wait, say that again?

I don't have HBO an....

THE OTHER PART.

....and I don't own a television.

VERA, YOU ARE NOT HUMAN. AT ALL. I DON'T EVEN KNOW YOU.

What the fuck?  What's wrong with not owning a television?  It saves me $50-100 a month not to have cable or satellite service.

But, how will you know what's going on in Game of Thrones?

Because I don't give a fuck about Game of Thrones. Sorry, not sorry.  Now, The Edge and Christian Show That Totally Reeks of Awesomeness on the other hand, that show is the tits.

Vera, I'm speechless.  Totally gobsmacked speechless.

I remember when my mother had me sit down in front of a television when I was 8 to watch an episode of Rin-Tin-Tin; K-9 Cop, and have me explain what the episode was about in order to build my recall abilities (neither of us knowing about echolalia or auditory processing disorder then). Yeah, needless to say I failed miserably at that, and my mother would yell at me to pay attention better. Or else she would get "the belt."  After that, I pretty much stayed away from most television viewing with my family.

Even though I no longer speak to my family, I can watch all the television shows if I wanted to, or if I have an interest in them. But I don't because I don't.

So have you even seen Game of Thrones?

No.

Breaking Bad?

No.

The Walking Dead?

No.

Once Upon a Time? American Horror Story? 24? The Golden Girls?!

No. No. No. Yes, I used to watch The Golden Girls all of the time.  It was also my mother's favorite show.  She would "get offended" like the character Blanche Deveraux did.  So two things happened; my mother would watch The Golden Girls on whatever network, every day; like if there is ever a channel that would run Golden Girls 24 hours a day, seven days a week, that channel would never be changed, and whenever I would watch the show and saw Blanche, it made me think of my mother.  If only my mother knew how much that show is a gift to the LGBT godex (because she was a unabashed homophobe and transphobe, among other things), how the show brings life to drag queens all over the world, maybe my mother would disown the show, and I could start watching it again without my brain causing PTSD interference.

So, what will it take for you to watch movies and television shows again?

A partner.  I'm willing to watch a comedy, a documentary, or an action-adventure flick with someone on a date or what have you.  I don't like watching movies by myself; I would much rather be rapid riding on a rainy day.  There are a couple of people on my Facebook feed that I do have an interest in getting to know better in hopes they would ask me for a date, hopefully to go a movie or to a music concert.  Oh, did I mention that I also love watching music videos?

No, you did not.

Oh.

Yeah, I guess watching television shows and movies by yourself doesn't bring the joy like watching them with someone would.

To each their own, Dear Reader. To each, their very own.

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