Tuesday, July 5, 2016

Burning All the Bridges, Forever Alone, and Vera

I should probably start looking for apartments in either Toledo or Cincinnati instead of typing out this blog post.  The only place, it seems, where I can be treated with some sort of human dignity and respect is not here in my beloved Cleveland.

I don't know why I even bother with people anymore.  I'm either being called delusional, needy, too smart for my own good, or some other description antonymic to me reaching out for help.

I'm done. I don't care anymore.

And why should I care?  It's not like I'm ready to have people in my life that actually care for me and love me.  Oh wait, someone actually told me that, my bad (no names, please).

That's cool.  For now on is get what I need and get it to go and fuck everybody else.

As you can probably deduce, my depression is really severe, almost out of control, even with all of my meds I am taking being dispensed as prescribed.  Still not suicidal; so don't even go there.  With all of that aside, however, I have had it with dealing with people who are not going to take my autism seriously.  I have had it with dealing with people who are not going to take me seriously.

All this time I spent working on myself since November 2013?  It's been good for shit; I was still operating in survivor mode, even now.  Apparently, you can't do anything while still operating in survivor mode.  Well, what the fuck do you asscows want me to do?  The world doesn't like dealing with autistic folks; the majority of autistic adults end up in group homes or institutions.  And I'm supposed to act like that's never going to happen to me?

If you want to call me something, call me paranoid as fuck.

I have no fucking idea how to even operate in non-survivor mode.  I have never done it (or at least even remember doing it).

Hell, even if I get thrown into a spa resort, it's going to be fight-or-flight with nurses who think they have the permission and the nerve to physically assault you in the name of "safety".

So for now, I'm done with everything and everyone.  If people want to know how I am, they can tune in to this blog.  Or not; it's their choice.  The whole world can eat shit and die for all I care now.

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