Monday, September 5, 2016

A Distinctive Voice, a Snowball's Destination, and Vera

Trigger/Content Warning (TW/CW): this blog post contains mentions of pornography, rape, and masturbation.  Reader discretion is advised.

I heard a voice go off on me in my head earlier this morning.  The voice was comparable to a cartoon where the main character's inner self tries to proverbially smack some sense into the character by doing things; from asking itself to stop and think why things don't always appear to what they are seeing to dumping a bucket a cold water on them to "revive" them mentally and/or emotionally.

It was my own voice, my inner self, asking me (the individual bungling through life), "Hey you, don't you think that what you are doing is actually not okay? That even though something external is telling you that this is okay, when it is only a veiled attempt to get you to do something that even you know is wrong? Come on, Vera; you're better than this."

Even though these past few days have been a big blur due to both eye dilation at the optometrist's office from Friday (to which I recovered from) and a massive menopausal "brain fog" (to which I am still recovering from), my inner voice proverbially pierced through that fog and into my consciousness while surfing the internet overnight.

Some folks may call this phenomenon an "epiphany."  Others would name this as a "wake-up call".

It's not the first time I experienced an epiphany, but it has been a long time since I had one.  The last time I could remember having an epiphany occur so clearly it was life altering was in February 2014, when I had flashbacks occur all at once over my rape from December 2007.  That all which was being described to me, from a trashy talk show no less, gave me an epiphany that would set the tone to where I am at right now.

What were you doing surfing the internet overnight when you should have been sleeping?

Heh, going back to that menopausal "brain fog" descriptor; I couldn't sleep. There are times during the day where I have to take a nap because my body is so exhausted.  The end result is that at times, I'm up during the late night hours.  And since I no longer have my car to just jump in and go for a ride, I didn't feel like getting dressed just to go rapid riding at 2:00am.  So, I decided to go internet window shopping and watched a few adult movie clips.  It was when I was watching the adult movie clips that the epiphany occurred.

Ha, like maybe you should not be watching porn, perhaps?

Yeah, like maybe I should not be watching porn, perhaps, while giving myself a hand at the same time.  It's a hidden talent.

Just like your budgeting skills is another hidden talent, right?

You know me better than I do, Dear Reader.

Okay, Vera.  Follow my lead, for once.  Today, stop everything.  You ARE better than this.  You now have, what, almost nine weeks of being slice-free?  If you can do THAT with no problem, then stopping the spending and whatever else you do on your own time with whatever utensils you possess should be a breeze.  Like, seriously.

It's easier said than done, you know.

I know that.  You're doing it right now, aren't you?

*checks around*  Good point.  I am not doing internet window shopping right now.  I am not watching adult movie clips right now.  I am not fapping with my battery powered friends right now.  What I am doing is composing a blog post while arguing with you over my life choices.

And the last time I checked, that's not equating to spending money or masturbating to pornos, is it?

No, it's not.

Good.  Now, in your mind, visualize in your hand you hold a small pebble.  Drop that pebble into this imaginary mountain covered with fluffy white snow, and roll it in the snow until it becomes a cute little snowball.  Take that snowball, and roll it down the mountain.  This is known as "the snowball effect," where you take something small, have go downhill, gathering both speed and collective objects like a natural magnetic force field, and by the time the snowball reaches the bottom of the hill, it's this ginormous from hell, crushing everything in its path.

Isn't that snowball effect the same thing to describe anxiety?

It is.  In this case, you're using the snowball effect to "collect" momentum to get through the withdrawal of not having to self pleasure by buying things with money that should be going to food and (unfortunately) medical copays and naturally achieving an orgasm through artificial devices.  One step at a time, one minute at a time, one hour at a time, one day at a time.

Does this mean I get to pay you for this pep talk, Dear Reader?

I take cash, credit card, or money order.  No checks, please.

Oh.  Shut.  Up.

But seriously, Vera.  You do have this.  You have the ability to overcome anything and anyone.  Now, it's time to face the big boss at the end of this video game.  In this case, the big boss is a collection of demons that were forced upon you and currently possess you.  And just like a video game, the fight against the big boss is going to be long, it's going to be tiresome, it's going to get frustrating, and yes it's going to hurt.  You may even "lose a life" by making a mistake, or what addicts call "lapse in judgment."  But don't give up.  You can beat the big boss inside of you.

The only difference is this: when you defeat the big boss, when you exorcise the collection of demons inside of you, your mortality ends and your immortality begins.  You may not see the happy ending in this video game, but the "other players," people who love you, care about you, support you, and cheerlead you on (like me) will be able to share the legacy you left behind in defeating, once and for all, the bullshit that your blood family exposed you to and put you through.  

You will never reach your destination of paradise when you are alive.  It's only the journey to get there is what makes it this life worth living.

So, this isn't some "addicts anonymity" schpiel where when I die I become a martyr and a messiah?

Nope, not in this case.  Nice try, though.

In order to be big, you have to start small.

Um, thank you?

Send $24.95 in a self-addressed stamped envelope to....


*chuckles* I love you too, Vera.

Phft.  It takes a brat to know one.

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