Friday, November 18, 2016

Talk of Fame, Walk of Shame, and Vera

Trigger/Content Warning (TW/CW): this blog post contains mentions of sexism, ableism, and misogyny. Reader discretion is advised.

Urban legend and societal labeling has described this "walk of shame" as leaving someone else's residency to attend some form of interactive event, particularly after having sexual relations the night before with that someone or otherwise.

That's not how I would describe it.

My definition of moving myself via "walk of shame" is dragging your episodic self to a bus stop at close to midnight because you weren't able to meet up with someone.
The walk of shame becomes a ride of various public transit motor vehicles across two cities, one where you were hoping to meet up with someone and one in which you will eventually lay your head down, in shame.

All the while on public transit, you wonder what you did wrong (or right or at all) in trying to meet up with someone.

The last you hear of that someone was about four hours earlier, saying that they were at a gathering, and that they would update. But from previous experiences and current observations, sometimes they pass out from exhaustion and forget. Other times, they will be nice and keep you hanging on, just for the chance to see them face to face, only to be duped and left in the cold, dark night.

You begin to flip your playlist, starting to play a Hebrew version of the late Leonard Cohen's "Hallelujah," trying to keep your nerves in check.

And that's when it hits, your anxiety and depression. You're about to have a mental illness episode.
  • Are they okay?
  • Should I just go over and wait?
  • What if nobody answers the door?
  • Maybe I will wait on the stairs.
  • Oh fuck, the door to the stairs is locked.
  • Now I feel like I'm a creepy bastard stalker.
  • They will stop dating me for sure.
  • Maybe they're afraid to tell me no because they're afraid I will go "psycho" on them?
  • Fuck I hate myself right now.
  • Let me try ringing the door bell.
  • Fuck them, let me just go home.
  • Oh yeah, there's a bar just up and around the corner. I can wait there.
  • Oh cool, there's a football game on.
  • Uh oh, the locals are staring at me. Get your got damn eyes off of me.
  • "Can I get you anything?"
  • Holy fuckamole, the bar became quiet as fuck.
  • Where is my voice?
  • "A Coke with lime, please?"
  • Thank G-d there was no squeak in my voice tonight.
  • "A Coor's Light?"
  • "No, no. A Coca-Cola."
  • Shit, now everybody knows that I'm probably some childish freak, already deduced that I'm some autistic that is out way past their got damn bedtime.
  • Who the hell is giving me my pop?
  • "Hi, my name is Frank. I'll be your server. We don't serve food here. Have a nice day."
  • The all too familiar stench of alcoholic beer emirates from dude bruh's breath.
  • Where are they?
  • Why won't they answer my texts or calls?
  • Are they avoiding me?
  • Do I suck that bad?
  • Let me just breathe, relax, enjoy this soda pop, and calm the fuck down.
  • Maybe they plan on surprising me by showing up and giving me a big hug and a deep kiss.
  • Shut up, Vera. That's that bullshit found in movies. Nobody really wants to fuck you.
  • You're fat, ugly, and retarded.
  • All you're good for is giving head. Just ask your past boyfriends.
  • Okay, I'm drinking this Coke, and getting the holy fuck out of this bar, and going home.
  • Why won't they answer the phone?
  • Are they okay?
  • Are they spending the night at another person's house?
  • Are they cheating on me?
  • How can they be cheating on me when we're not officially a couple?
  • Okay, the game just ended. I have about 25 minutes before the next bus comes.
  • Fuck, I give up.
  • I don't know if I want to punch a wall or to punch their face.
  • There's still more growth to be had.
  • Damnit.
The bus rolls around. Only folks on foot are all drunk and/or high. Damn near zombie like. Scary as hell, considering this is your motherfucking city.

And yet, you walk alone, late at night, not knowing how safe you'll be until you reach your destination.

If you do.

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