Monday, January 16, 2017

Delayed Emotional Responses, Charcoal Cleansers, and Vera

My mind is a terrible thing.

My mind is a terrible thing to love, to understand, to waste.  I can do all the right things and yet make mistakes that only Hollywood could cash in on.

My mind has several ailments going on at the same time: anxiety, depression, and complex posttraumatic stress. I have come to note as of late that I am now experiencing a phenomenon called "delayed emotional response."

Allow me to explain how fucked up this is.

For example, I woke up one morning and received a message that I got called out on social media for sleeping with someone's spouse. No names, please.

Hell, let's make this example even more disturbing: shortly thereafter, one of my doctors informs me that I got down with this sickness.

Right off the bat, I feel extremely numb about it, as if "okay, cool. I can deal with this."

As the day goes on, maybe about 12 hours later, I am starting to feel a little off.  My worry machine begins to crank.  I have my emergency medications at the ready, because I strongly believe (says my screaming intuition) that this is going to be one hella ride.

Another 12 hours pass, and now I am feeling the turbulence in my system.  My stomach begins to hurt.  I feel completely disgusted with myself.  Unwanted thoughts are aplenty and racing through my mind at Mach 3 speed. 

The next 12 hours go by.  I am at my wits end.  I ended up resorting to emailing both my rabbi and rebbetzin (to which I thank for putting up with such agony from me), updating them at a consistent rate that I am "safe," a word used to describe my mental state where I am not suicidal and not attempting to harm myself.  At this point, I feel like I'm naturally dying.  I knew that I wasn't legit dying, but it felt like this proverbial crushing boulder is sitting on my chest was doing everything in its power to make me so weak that I could not leave my bed at one point.

Finally, 12 hours run its course, and finally the anxiety and depression have backed off to tolerable levels of normal function.  Usually at this stage, I am exhausted, ashamed, angry, sad, and feeling incredibly damaged.  At least I was able to obtain adequate sleep to the point where I could go outside and get some groceries.

Even now, as I compose this post, I am not at 100%.  I am not able to go into minute details over what was running through my mind during these past 48 hours, as every time I do my brain wants to shut itself down.  From the emails I had sent, my mental status was anywhere from "nobody loves me" (despite receiving oodles of birthday wishes from friends) to "I hate myself and everyone around me" to "are you going to leave me (rabbi and rebbetzin)?"

Being sucked into a tornado is one thing; being aware that you're inside the tornado, praying that you don't die when you land after the tornado passes is a completely different thing.

Plot twist: it doesn't matter how large or small the negative impact on me is.  I will still end up going through various degrees of delayed emotional responses. Forever. Until Big Pharma gets off its ass and decides to help fully heal folks like myself so we can get back into the workforce and save our economy.

On a completely unrelated note, apparently body and face cleansers that have charcoal as an ingredient is probably life right now.  I am about ready to just buy nothing but charcoal cleansers because they extract toxins out of my body better than any internal detox I have ever tried.  My face has cleared up tremendously without causing the rosacea to flare up, my bacne (or body acne) has cleared up significantly, and my calves don't look like they have red polka dots on them anymore.  Holy fuckamole, where has this been all of my life?

Now, if, by any chance, any of these charcoal cleansers can extract the toxins of complex posttraumatic stress, depression, and anxiety out of my mind, that would be great.  And they can take the delayed emotional responses with them.

I wonder if eating a filet mignon, cooked medium rare, over a charcoal-lit grill, once a week would work?

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