Saturday, February 11, 2017

Sick, Tired, and Vera

Folks close to me know that when I become sick (physically, like from a cold or from vomiting for example), I become a monster. I get mean, offensive, and retaliatory to the point where I can become vicious and violent.

I don't like that side of me. I wish it was dead. The monster resembles both of my parents when I am sick and people around me do not know what to do. I don't want to be like my parents.

I lashed out at some folks recently, while in the midst of recovering from a near fatal anxiety episode. I lashed out because I had asked for help, and they did not know how to help me. I take full responsibility for me lashing out at them. They did not deserve to see what kind of monster lives inside of me when provoked. The monster was provoked when someone said, "we are always here for you."

Do folks really mean that? Or is that some fluff phrasing that gives off the aura of, "better you than me going through your shit?"

If there was a rock bottom I had reached before, then this is a new low that's like zero degrees Kelvin. There have been only two times I have experienced such a low, that life doesn't matter anymore.

The first time was November 2, 2013.

The second time was February 2, 2017.

In both circumstances, I threw away items of both significance and necessity because I hated myself for being so ugly and bitter towards others. It was a genuine punishment to myself; meaning that I was so selfish and resentful, I did not deserve the possessions I owned.

I have very little, if any at all, sense of value in my life.

I do not value myself. I live, day to day, in hopes of a better moment.

I do not value other people. If I do value other people, I either value the wrong people or I don't value the right people enough.

I do not value the clothing attire I own, the food I eat, the money I receive and/or borrow, or the relationships I establish with other people.

This is not new. This has been going on since my days in grade school. And there has been no answer to get me to appreciate the concept of value.

I keep making the same financial mistakes. I keep gaining and maintaining body weight. People know to run away from me when I become injured or ill, because I become a bad person towards them.

Maybe it's because none of anything applies to me?

Did I just buy my own hype?

Well, the transformation of becoming a narcissistic asshole has been completed. Now, I am just like my parents and my sister. It's all about me and fuck you.

So do I just accept it and move on? After many years of fighting with that narcissism, trying not to become anyone in my family, that I give up? Or, did my body give out again, and what I am and everyone is seeing is my true self?

This is me. I am nothing more than a scared autistic child not knowing if anyone loves them or wants to help them.

I despise the other Vera. I wish they got killed with fire. However, maybe in this moment, I will sit down with the other Vera and call for a cease-fire. Maybe the other Vera's Palestine to my Israel can work on a two-state solution.

This upcoming Wednesday, I go in for an intake session, with one of the colleagues of my psychologist, in hopes to be eligible for an inpatient-outpatient program. I may be away from a computer for a week, 2 weeks, 30 days, 60 days, or until I am ready to come back. I don't know.

Until then, I have taken an indefinite break from both Twitter and Facebook. I have put any projects I was working on hold until the beginning of April.

I need to know, once and for all, if I am a good person or a bad person.

If I am a good person, then why do I do bad things?

If I am a bad person, is it too late to become a good person? If it's not too late, how can I become a good person?

Something has to give, because I have had enough.

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