Friday, March 24, 2017

Uncomfortably Numb, Where Have All the Miracle Workers Gone, and Vera

I wasn't sure if I wanted to compose a blog post today or not.  It's nice outside, I want to go play, but I don't have anything at home or in my pocket to sustain my energy throughout my adventures.  You would think after nineteen (19) years of getting by, I would have learned something by now.  The truth is: instead of earning my keep by keeping my earns as being a learning tool, it became an addiction to ease the pain on not having what I needed growing up as a young brat.

So, how do I turn an addiction back into a learning tool?

Do I need tough love to get me by?  Should I suck it up and go to Magnolia Clubhouse for the entire month of Apri....oh wait, I can't; Passover is in April, which means eight (8) days of cardboard pizza dough for bread (a separate blog post will cover all things Passover coming up in April). It sucks canal water that I can only use my main food bank only once a month, and that their food is by in large unprepared (I don't think heating a rare chuck roast in the microwave is a good idea).

I don't know.  And what's worse is that, since I have been home from the crisis stabilization unit, I don't care.

As I sit here and compose this entry, I am afraid to ask again for more assistance. I fear that I will be told, "no," simply because I have asked so many times over the course of more than two years. Maybe it's just my head playing games with me, but if I were to turn the tables, and had someone constantly come up to me after two years asking for a couple of dollars to get by, I would grow tiresome myself.  So I should expect folks to do the same, not because they are getting tired of me, but because I haven't been able to convert their assistance into proper financial learning.

I might go back to Columbus next week for a few days to help out and get meals in exchange.  Or, if I can make my remaining food stretch until this Tuesday afternoon, get some of the food from my main food bank.

And speaking of asking again for more assistance, I am more afraid of how much in the arrears am I on a few of my credit sources.  Typing out this blog post is one way of me doing my damnedest to stay away from applying for another payday loan so I can get "caught up." I have been keeping track of who and where I owe what, and it has been looking ugly as of late.  I'm not proud of what I have put myself into.

I had someone tell me the other day that they thought I was doing so well financially.  I had to take a deep breath and tell them that appearances aren't always what they seem.  I have not been financially well at all; I never have been.  Watching my parents and my sister getting what they wanted while I had to go without gave me the false idea that if I made money, I got to spend it however I see fit without looking down the road.  As a teenager, I didn't look down the road to going to college, getting married, having a family, and have the home and career of my dreams; I legit did not think I was going to live past age 17.  And even then, I saw myself as an ugly human being; I got bullied and harassed at school and at home, and when even the slightest compliment was given to me, I didn't have any pride to hold me back from begging for more in whatever position the person saw fit.  So by the time I graduated high school at age 17, I knew that if I wanted to have any chance at life, by hook or by crook, I needed to make money - now.

I never did get past scraping the bottom of the proverbial barrel for crumbs; it was enough for me.

And as I sit here, in an empty yet vast synagogue library, I still live and act like there is no tomorrow.  It doesn't help that I haven't seen either my psychiatrist and psychologist in almost two months (oh, by the way, I found out that my current Medicare provider is not covering my psychiatrist, my primary care physician, or my gynecologist because "not on the 2017 provider list," had I known that prior, I would have made the necessary adjustments).  And throughout all of this, it makes me wonder if I will ever get out of the trauma "survivor" mode of living and into the "thriving" way of life. 

I don't know.  And right now, I don't care.

Meanwhile, my Milestones proposal was not selected by the conference committee board.  And while I knew I had a very dismal shot of it being accepted, I am still glad I did it.  I'm so glad, that I actually emailed the person in charge of the conference coordination and asked them for tips on how I can make my proposal better for a chance to be selected at next year's conference.  I still want to go to the darn thing; I have to carve out the fees for the conference out of my April allowance.

And I just got an email from the payday lender, saying I can get 30% off an initial loan if I were to apply for one right now.  Oh, there's no spying on the Internet whatsoever.

I so need a miracle to get me out of this uncomfortably numb financial hell.

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